G4N SFU RIP

So I decided to Watch Six Feet Under Season 5 again for the first time since it originally aired.

It was probably the most intense season of an already intense show. It also was something that G4N and I would watch religiously. Sadly G4n never got to see the end, the final 4 or so episodes.

Strangely though the last days of G4Ns life mirrored in a way Nates life. To me that made it even harder to watch the first time and again this time. We are coming up on the 3 year anniversary of G4Ns passing, and watching this show made me realize how much i still miss him. I think that if you are lucky you will have only a handful of truly good and real friends and he was one of them. As the years go by the void he left in my life seems to get bigger and bigger. G4N was a unique person, randumb, smart, thought provoking, angry, helpful, loyal, funny, and at times annoying in his own unique way. Watching SFU brought back a lot of fond memories that remind me of G4N, like the shirts Billy was wearing such as SKI IRAQ, SURF SAUDI and the one he would like the best WHAT WOULD JESUS BOMB?.....i know he would love that one....and i just looked them up and may have to pick those up....in honor of my good friend. Also Alan Ball the creator of Six Feet Under is starting a new series called Vampires that of course i am going to watch and enjoy i am sure, a little bit of me will be sad though since I know G4N would have a lot to add in his witty intelligent commentary.

I often wonder what it would be like to have G4N around still, would he persevere in his life or would he continue his recent ways, in and out of jobs and depressed and manic? I know life was tough for him, he had both a blessing and a curse of his POWERFUL brain. He used to tell me that he would read the stats on the back of baseball cards when he was younger and be able to memorize the stats after one glance. His truly had a photographic mind and god knows what else he could do, such as download music with the best of them. I often find some comfort in knowing that he is probably in a better place, who knows where, he was an atheist,he would sometimes say fuck Heaven and fuck Hell, showing his disdain for the concepts of both. I like to think of him being somewhere in eternal bliss, not having to fight against life on this planet but rather embrace it and his gifts in a productive and useful way. I have a lot to thank for what G4N has brought to my life and continues to even though he is gone. He turned me onto alot of music that i would have never listened to on my own, such as Black Sabbath, Queens of the Stoneage to name a few. He had TIVO way way before it was cool, he showed me that you can make cookies in smalll batches and enjoy them in relatively short time, he showed me how to get music for free and lots of it, and most importantly he showed me that there is no price tag you can put on a good friend. I wish we would have made some shirts that we would always think of, those were truly genius, well i actually made some for him so that he could wear his thoughts not just on his sleeve but on his chest.



I miss Brian as well, he was just as funny, loyal, smart as G4N just toned down alot more. He once told me his IQ which of course i forgot, but basically it was very very high so high that he was only able relate to 2% of the population, and i was lucky enough to be in that percentile. I dont know that i totally related to everything from Brian after all he was G4N and could be a little off at times. But i used Empathy to really try to understand where he was coming from. At times i think i was successful at others i wasnt, like when he would get SO PISSED when our Power would go out. I knew that it would be on eventually, but he couldnt understand the fact that we paid the bill and that didnt guarantee that it keep the power from going out. Go figure.



Watching SFU was definitely therapy for me, it got very emotional at times and i think i felt more this time around, cuz when it originally aired i think i was pretty much NUMB for the remaining episodes i watched while G4N was transitioning his existence, dying to some, but i prefer to think that he lives on, in his own universe in his own way.

I am grateful to have known him for 5 years and live with him for 3 or so.....those times i will never forget....i have our randumb thoughts board and cherish that. I wish he was still here for strictly selfish reasons, i know he probably would not be happy especially with the War still raging on and the world becoming more and more commercial and corporate.....he would probably like all the new technology available and be happy that Manny Ramirez is now kicking ass on the Dodgers, he would have been stoked that the Chargers were in the AFC Championship and also the Lakers playin in the finals, although he would not have been pleased with the results. I am sure he would have won at least one season on Fantasy Football by now.

I am grateful for all my friends and sad that they are now one less and have been for 3 years. I know that someday somehow i will see him again as i am sure when i am available he will track me down and probably offer me a soft warm freshly baked nestle toll house chocolate chip cookie.

I feel bad that i haven't reached out to his parents, god only knows the pain they went through and must still go through, my Mom is still having a tough time with the loss of her husband, i cant even imagine trying to get over the loss of your only son. I need to pay them a visit and try to share some memories with them of Brian. I think that would be good for all of us.

I wish that i would have said more to him the last time i saw him alive and speaking, i also wish i would have spent more time at the hospital with him, he probably would have liked to hear some "cooler" music and maybe hear me read the sports page or some music magazine. He probably would have liked to see his friend more that just twice, at that time i really didn't know what to do. I didn't want to accept that he might not make it, i mean how many people lose there best friend in the prime of their life? I was able to pay my last respects and speak at his service, which i tried my best to paint my view of Brian and how i knew and remembered him. After the service i had several people come up to me and state that they didn't know all those things about Brian, which was doubled edged for me, one that I felt lucky to have experienced things with him and sad that others didn't get to share in those moments or know those things about him while he was alive. I know he had a profound effect on my other best friends like Zien and Hub.....they both always speak highly of him and take Jameson/Tequila shots with me in his honor, he would have liked that. His birthday is on New Years Eve, that kinda sucks because i always think of him alot that day.



He was just getting into Myspace and actually had blogged long before i found it on his PC after he passed. We did get to share some myspace messages and he thankfully enough did manage to blog a bit on myspace, like letting us know about the internet and how Jamie Lee Curtis is really a man? WTF.....that is why i loved him, his Myspace is still around and i enjoy reading it every once in a while, his page and address are classic, www.myspace.com/violencekicksass.

Keep your friends and family close and Watch Six Feet Under, to me one of the most real and genious shows ever to be on TV and dont forget to live your life day to day and value your breath and remember that before you criticize and abuse walk a mile in my shoes,

alright,alright,alright,alright,alright,alright,alright,alright,alright,alright,alright,alright,alright,alright,alright alright, alright alright - Andre 3000, G4ns Favorite Lyric.

Rest In Peace My Friend and send more good Music My way....i could use it....I miss you.